Memoirs of being a jerk
by Psychodahlia
Summary: Some lesser known, but still important, characters bare their souls. Change of plans, the third chapter is the original Sawyer.
1. Default Chapter

I can categorize my whole life as one big mistake. That's what all my decisions turned out to be after all.

Mistake number one- Dropped out of college to become an 'artist'.

Maybe it wouldn't have been such a big mistake if I had any talent. Maybe if I hadn't done it to spite my parents. Maybe if I hadn't ended up trying to sell my paintings at a gallery where she worked, which leads me to mistake number two.

Mistake number two- Claire.

Not that I didn't love her, I truthfully did. The laugh, the hair, the smile...she was the model for my painting of an angel.

It's a bad painting. Just like we were a bad couple. From the start things seemed to go down hill; her mother disowned her, I lost my part time job, we had unprotected sex.

Mistake number three- Unprotected sex.

That was actually the best sex we ever had. Seriously, I masturbate to the memory of it. It's the kind where all your senses are heightened and you can hear every little moan your partner makes, feel the movement of their body under yours, smell the sensation of having the body react to every fantasy fullfilled. Pure and utter ectasy. Of course, the result was mistake number four.

Mistake number four- Agreeing to have the baby.

Actually, 'agreeing' is a bad choice of words; I was the one that originally wanted to have it. Ideals of fatherhood, teaching the kid to play ball, being a better parent than my dad, all that crap just floated through my head pushing out reality. What was I, a jobless, uneducated 'artist', thinking?

Mistake number five- Walking out on her.

Reality caught up with me. Baby. Turns into toddler, turns into child, turns into adolescent, turns into adult. I would be responsible for raising that person. Caring for that person, making sure they had what they needed to turn out a half-way decent member of society.

No way in hell that was going to happen. I told her goodbye and split.

So, I'll admit to being a scumbag. Jerk, bastard, whatever. Whatever names Claire calls me I more than deserve. I heard she went to L.A. to give the baby up for adoption. I don't know what plane she went on so I don't know if it's the one that went down or not. I don't know who she was giving the baby up to. I don't know who is raising my kid.

So, there you go. My artist's heart and soul poured out on a blank page to soil the hearts and minds of whoever reads this. The musings of the biggest jerk on the planet.

I don't deserve it, but there's something I wouldn't mind knowing. I wonder who's raising my kid?

Lost and all its characters belong to ABC. Comments, crtiques, and death threats are accepted.

Next chapter- Liam!


	2. Liam

I drove him to it. To the drugs I mean. Sure, I apologized but...that's not really enough. And the worst part is there's nothing I can do about it. The only thing I can do is try to be a better father than I was an older brother.

I was more of a father figure to Charlie. Dad was something of a workaholic so the job of teaching my baby brother about life and every aspect of it fell to me.

Did I screw that one up. "Life is about sex and money. And drugs. Don't ever forget the drugs." I swear, it's amazing both of us didn't end up with some disease. If I was still a Catholic, I'd call it the grace of God.

Actually, the only grace of God we ever saw was the end of Drive Shaft. No more money, no more groupies, no more wild life, no more drugs.

At least, no more drugs for me. Charlie's not so lucky, and that's not fair. I'm the one that screwed up. I'm the one who was a lousy older sibling. I'm the one who got the band hooked. I'm the one who told him he was nothing.

I tried telling him to go to a rehab clinic. Australia's has some good ones. I met my wife at a support meeting. Our daughter starts preschool this fall.

He turned me down, went to L.A. on a plane that the news says went down somewhere over the Pacific. My baby brother is dead and it is all my fault.

I know you can't turn back time, but God there are so many things I would give to be able to do that.

He would have stayed in school. No "I'm going to drop out to be in the band with you!".

I wouldn't have gone with that girl who gave me my first fix.

He wouldn't have talked me into giving him a hit.

Even if he had tried, I wouldn't have been stoned enough to do it.

Drive Shaft would never have existed. We would have led ordinary, clean and healthy lives.

There is nothing I can do. All I can do now is pray to someone I don't think exists.

Like the prayer goes: pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

I'm praying for Charlie.

Keep in mind that Liam doesn't know Charlie's on a deserted island, drug free.

All he could know was that the plane went down.

Lost belongs to ABC.

Next chapter- Christian Shephard.


	3. Sawyer

I can barely remember my real name anymore. Not that it matters, nobody knows me by it and bringing it

up would only serve to piss the wrong people off.

I've gone by a bunch of names. Perry, Jameson, Sawyer, O'Brien. I can't remember them all now.

I'm not apologizing for what I do, done, am going to do. If anyone wants to forgive me that's their damn

problem now ain't it? If God wants to...well hell. I don't believe in God so it don't matter.

Perry was the name I used to seduce a widow in Texas. She had more money than sense and I took most

of one and maybe left her with some of the other. Heavy price for her to pay but that's the way it goes.

I used Jameson when I went to visit the good state of Arizona. Got a job as a car salesman, slept with some

pretty young thing and stole the car I'd sold her the next morning. I later heard that her daddy got pretty upset. Can't

blame him. If I had a sixteen year old daughter loose a car to some carsalesman she'd just met I'd be pissed too.

Pissed I'd produced such a dumb kid.

Sawyer, there's an interesting name. Good story behind it. I slept with this chick in Tennesse and stole her

money. Her husband finds out, shoots her and himself. I heard on the news that the cops found the kid hiding under

the bed the dad had been sitting on when he shot himself. Sucky thing to happen to a brat. Makes a man feel

almost sorry.

Almost.

I went by O'Brien in Maryland. The West had gotten a little too dull for me and I was looking for a change. I

found me a nice little town, slept with half the women, legal and underage, and decided the East was more

boring than the West. Really, all the teenagers were into kink and all the legal women just wanted straight sex.

Boring as hell.

So, here I am back out West, where I've been for the past twenty years. I'll probably stay here until I die of

a goddamn heartattack in my sleep. Or until somebody shoots me. Maybe it'll be that girl's daddy. Maybe it'll

be that kid whose dad shot himself.

I dunno. I don't care either.

Lost and all character related to, belong to ABC.

Yeah, I said the next character would be Christian Shepherd. I lied. Call me Sawyer. Or Kate...


End file.
